Every once in a while the darkness would be filled with images of the earth mage. His harrowing visage painted vividly for me to see. I struggled to look away, but everywhere I turned he was all I saw. I saw Finney’s cold demeanor as he walked past us. I saw his haunted and grieving stare as he struggled to contain his emotions. Just when I thought I couldn’t take it anymore it would fade away again, drifting away into the black void that surrounded me. And just like that I would be alone again.

It was no surprise to me when the silence didn’t respond. I truly didn’t know what I expected to happen. I suppose a part of me wanted some comfort after all I had experienced lately. I wanted a gentle caress to warm me and a kind tongue to fill the silence that echoed in my head.

“I am showing you what you want to see,” a voice drifted through the darkness.

Puzzled, I looked around the void that surrounded me, trying to locate where the voice was coming from. All that stared back at me was an empty darkness, not another body in sight.

“How is this what I want to see?” I asked the void.

“It is what is on your mind, is it not?” The voice responded.

“That doesn’t mean that this is what I want,” I said, raising my voice. Anger mounted inside me, this isn’t what I wanted. I wanted comfort, not pain. I wanted a kind conversation, not a biting reminder of the life that I was now forced into.

“Then tell me what you do want. Tell me what you…” the voice paused, “Desire.”

“What I desire?” I questioned.

“Of course. That is, after all what I am,” the voice answered, “I am your desire. Or your affliction as you so lovingly describe me.”

The darkness shifted until a mirrored vision of myself appeared. His eyes were a shimmering bright red, they thrummed with life and energy. He offered me a sly smile and cocked his head as he spoke.

“So tell me, what do you desire to see?” He asked.

I found it rather unsettling to stare back into my own eyes, to see my face smiling back at me. It struck fear in my chest to be presented with the part of myself that was a constant source of pain and discomfort for me. 

“You don’t have to fear me, Kiri. I have never meant you any harm. I just wish you wouldn’t fight me so. You have no idea the pain you elicit in me when you deny us our urges,” he spoke in a calm and collected tone.

“The pain I give you?” I asked, fury mounting in my tone. How dare he talk about his pain after all he had put me through. My pain, my suffering was all because of him and he dared to blame me. I lost my home, my family because of him. My life was completely destroyed, everything I once knew was gone now because of that stupid thirst.

“It is not my fault that your life is gone,” he said.

“What, are you going to tell me it's somehow my fault?” Letting my anger hold the reins on my actions,  I pushed at Desire.

Seemingly unaffected by my outburst, Desire straightened the wrinkles in his tunic and continued, “Have you paused to consider that it is neither of our faults? That the only thing that is directly by your doing, is the fact that you continue to drown in your own guilt and sorrow over things you had no control over. Stand in your waters, Kiri. Do not let them consume you.”

“What… What do you mean?” I asked hesitantly.

“I mean exactly what I said. Our lives being uprooted as they were, the abandonment by our family, none of it was our fault. Our souls always held the presence of magic. It was because of how we grew up, the environment that we were in, the things we experienced. All of it shaped our magic into what it is now. And while right now it seems like a bad thing, I can assure you not all of it is. We will grow to be able to do extraordinary things. But we will never evolve if we continue to allow ourselves to drown in our pain. So let it go,” he said.

“Just let it go?” I said quietly, as if it were that easy.

“Let the pain go. Leave your desires to go back to your life behind. You will never go back. Your family is gone, but that doesn’t mean you will never find a family again. Allow yourself to move on. Allow yourself to adapt to what we are,” he explained.

“But I don’t want to be a monster,” I whispered.

“No one said you have to, Kiri,” he exclaimed as he disappeared back into the dark.

I looked around trying to see where he had gone. I wasn’t done with our conversation yet, I had more questions that I needed to ask him. It seemed to me like he knew a hell of a lot more about all of this than I did, so why was he leaving me to figure it out on my own.

“I’m not done yet! Come back!” I yelled into the void.

All that responded to me was a deafening silence. Once again I found myself on my own. Shocker there. I paced back and forth for quite a while, trying to figure out how I was supposed to adapt to my hunger. I pondered if there was a way to control my thirst without starving myself and ending up decrepit as the author had.

Sadly no answers came to me. Frustrated beyond belief I flopped to the ground and buried my head in my hands. Letting out a tired sigh, I let my body relax and release the stress of the day. The silence of the void filled me with such unease, I wished there was something for me to listen to.

“Kiri?” Ilian’s voice echoed through the darkness.

Lifting my head up I looked around, hoping that my desire would be kind enough to give me dreams of Ilian. Unfortunately, his green eyes were nowhere to be seen.

“Kiri, are you asleep?” I heard his voice whisper again.

The darkness began to shake around me as Ilian’s voice got louder and louder in my ears. Light began to break apart the void as I slowly opened my sleep heavy eyes. Ilian was kneeling on the floor next to me, his hands grasping my shoulders as he shook me awake. His left eye was bruised, a small cut was freshly scabbed over on his cheek.

“Ilian? What happened?” I asked, rubbing my eyes to rid them of the lingering sleep that held them down.

Ilian let go of my shoulders and rubbed his right arm, “Landon and Pan were fighting over Ty’s things and I got caught in the middle.”

“Who?” I questioned.

“Landon and Pan are the water mages in our unit. Their friend Ty is the one who died today. I thought they would be more upset about him watching him die, but it seems as though they are preoccupied with taking his things,” Ilian said with a deep sadness in his eyes.

Reaching forward I took Ilian’s hand in mine. His skin was cold and ever so slightly damp. Faint tremors ran through his body, I could smell the fear and sadness that stained his blood.

“They got in a magic fight didn’t they?” I asked, running my other hand over the damp shoulder of his shirt. He was soaked from head to toe.

“Yeah, I was sitting out by the fire for a little bit with one of the guards, but it’s too cold outside for me, even by the fire,” Ilian explained.

“Why didn’t you change into something dry?” I said, reaching for the bag that contained my extra clothes.

“They might have taken my extra clothes from me, I managed to keep my bedding though,” Ilian said, offering me a weak smile.

I stared at him for a moment wondering why he didn’t try to fight back against them. Ilian could conjure shadows to fight for him, so why not use them to protect himself. As if sensing my confusion, Ilian shrugged slightly. 

“I didn’t want to hurt them. That’s why I didn’t fight back, if that's what you are wondering,” Ilian spoke, letting his head hang low as he talked, “What if I accidentally killed them with my magic like Taurin did?” 

The pain in Ilian’s voice struck a chord inside of me, without hesitation I pulled Ilian close to me and whispered into his ear as I rubbed his back, “What he did wasn’t an accident. Either that or he is the most careless person in existence. You aren’t malicious like they are. You wouldn’t hurt someone like that.”

I felt Ilian shudder in my embrace as he cried softly, “How do you know? You read those stories earlier. So many of my kind end up hurting themselves or worse someone else. It’s so hard sometimes to tell what’s real or not. How do I know I’m not going to seriously injure someone because I couldn’t tell if what was happening was real?”

“Because,” I whispered, holding Ilian tighter, “In the short time I’ve known you, you have been nothing but kind and gentle. You have stopped me from getting hurt twice today.”

Ilian pulled back and wiped the tears from his eyes, “Yeah but that doesn’t mean I won’t end up hurting someone.”

“Ilian, let's be really honest here. Who do you think is more likely to hurt someone? You, the sweet and curious boy who reminisces about spending time on the docks. Or me. The freak who loses control over a little cut. Yeah, your books aren’t the happiest things on the planet but mine is about a man losing his mind and losing himself. There hasn’t been a happy thing yet in that stupid diary, but you don’t see me making myself sick over it,” I lied, Ilian didn’t need to know just how much my affliction terrified me.

“You are going to tell me you aren’t scared about what you can do? I’ve seen you when you get control over yourself again. I’ve seen the pure terror that washes over your face when you come to. I saw the way you trembled in the library when you were stuck in that vision. You are scared shitless,” Ilian grumbled at me.

“Okay,” I grumbled realizing how transparent my emotions apparently were, “You are right. I am scared. But someone gave me some really good advice today. I don’t quite understand it all just yet, but I can say it at least has me at least trying to look at this nightmare differently than I was,” I said as I lifted Ilian’s chin so he was looking at me, “Magic has always been in our souls. What we have experienced in our lives have shaped it to what it is now, and that isn’t something that is our fault. It’s not something we should feel guilt over. That magic doesn’t have to be a bad thing. We can learn to do extraordinary things with our abilities, but we will never grow to do so if we allow ourselves to drown in our own guilt, fear and sorrow.”

“Who told you that?” Ilian said as he wrapped his hand around the wrist that was holding his chin up.

“A friend, or at least I think he is a friend.”

“You will have to introduce us sometime, he sounds nice,” Ilian whispered and moved my hand up to cup his cheek.

Ilian rubbed his cheek against the palm of my hand. His skin was so cold against mine and it sent shivers up my spine. I savored the feeling of his skin, he was so soft and gentle. I wanted nothing more than to pull him back to me and never let go.

“Thank you, Kiri. I really needed someone to talk to,” Ilian said quietly.

“Of course. Now here, take my spare clothes so you have something warm to sleep in,” I offered the bag of clothes to him.

Ilian took the clothes from me, “Thank you. Do you think, maybe, I could sleep in here with you? I’d be happy to share my pillow and blanket with you, I know you lost yours.”

I offered Ilian a smile before I turned around to face the wall so he would have the privacy to change, “I’d be okay with that. You aren’t scared you are going to wake up with my fangs in your throat?”

I could hear Ilian giggle behind me, “No, I’m not scared that you are going to bite me. I think if you really wanted to you would have earlier today.”

I heard the sounds of Ilian’s wet clothes hitting the floor as he changed behind me, “If I’m being honest, Ilian, I was closer to ripping into your throat than I’d like.”

“How close did you want to be?” Ilian asked.

“Not the slightest bit, I don’t want to hurt you. The fact that it crossed my mind makes me sick to my stomach,” I responded.

Ilian sank to his knees and wrapped his arms around me, pressing himself to my back. I became suddenly aware of the sound of his heart, it was steady and slow. The scent of his skin hung in the air around me and it took my breath away. I could feel the blood pumping in his veins as he held me tighter. 

Ilian’s voice teased my neck as he spoke, “I’m not scared of you, Kiri. I know you don’t want to hurt me, and I trust you.”

My voice got stuck in my throat as I struggled to respond, “I trust you too.”

“Good,” Ilian said, nuzzling my neck. My skin tingled with the sensation of his touch.

After a moment, Ilian released me and grabbed his bedding from near the doorway. He set it down next to me and moved his wet clothes so they were laying flat. I moved the pillow behind me and waited for Ilian to situate himself on the ground next to me.

“Do you prefer if we face away from each other, or?” Ilian asked.

I shrugged in response, not really wanting to admit that I wanted to hold Ilian in my arms as we slept. Ilian smirked at me as blush crept over his cheeks. Scooting closer to me, he draped the small blanket over the both of us and squeezed himself as close to me as he could.

“Are you going to lay down, or are you going to sit upright all night?” Ilian asked.