“What makes it a supreme punishment?” I said, letting my curiosity get the better of me. Ilian would be proud of me, though in truth I don’t know if I wanted to know. 

“The catacombs house the creatures they use for the colosseum fights. Not all of them, they have a larger residence for them on Forburn’s Cay,” Finney explained.

I faintly remember my father talking about Forburn’s Cay. A string of small islands where they gathered to watch the mages fight. Once a year they would hold a large tournament with games all leading up to the biggest colosseum fight of the year. I used to think it was something that the mages would be excited about. A chance for them to show off how strong they were. How naive I once was.

“The elders threatened Sion with the catacombs once, I’ve never been so scared for someone before,” Mae spoke quietly and paused slightly before continuing, as if the memories were painful for her, “I can only imagine the horrors Palaemon went through. You can’t stop, you can’t rest or sleep. You have to keep moving. If you hesitate for even a moment there is a whole slew of creatures waiting to devour you.”

I could smell the overwhelming love and concern they had for their aphiels. I didn’t even want to begin to think about what would happen to me if I were in their position. To be so powerless to help the one you care for. It would be pure torture. Palaemon didn’t deserve his punishment, but that seemed to be a running theme around here. Destroy their hope, destroy their love and they will be a willing victim for your entertainment and war.

Finney stood and walked across the room to store the ledger he was working on, as he walked he addressed me with a more authoritative tone. He was eager to move past our current conversation, “How did it go with the other isturns?”

For a moment I had forgotten the unease I had about delivering the news to Finney. When they addressed me so nonchalantly it was so easy to forget that they were my superiors not my friends. A familiar fear welled inside me as I dreaded giving Finney the bad news. I swallowed the panic in my throat and pondered how best to set the news to Finney. Should I lie and say they just wouldn’t listen? Or dare I admit I lost myself and attacked them? 

Mae looked at me with a stunned expression, “You attacked them?”

“What!” Finney roared, he dropped the ledger he was holding and spun on his heels to give me the same startled expression.

The panic now fully controlled my voice, every word a painful stutter as I tried to speak past my fear, “I… I want to say I didn’t mean to. But I can’t find it in myself to lie,” I began, “I should have been stronger, I should have resisted him but I couldn’t. I was so angry. I’m… I’m so sorry.”

“Sorry doesn’t begin to cut it! And don't even begin to try to blame this on someone else,” Finney started but Mae cut him off.

“Finney, calm yourself. He isn’t trying to shuck the blame off on someone else. There is a second voice in him, I’ve heard it faintly speaking when I’ve looked into his mind. Is that who you are referring to, little one?”

Finney stared at me as if I had grown a second head. Though to be fair, Mae’s explanation of the voice in my head made me sound a tad crazier than I think she meant to. I looked to the ground and picked at my cuticles.

“The voice showed up when my thirst did,” I explained.

“Should I be concerned about this voice in your head? Does it always tell you to attack others?” Finney asked, crossing his arms over his chest.

“He has given me some good advice actually,” I started, daring to look up and meet Finney’s gaze but immediately regretted my decision as I caught the anger in his eyes, “I call him Desire. He seems to understand how my magic works, but he wont outright tell me things. Most of the time he just gives me vague riddles on how I can grow my abilities. But other times… he gets mad. And he gets hungry. He can be so cruel when he is like that and it scares me sometimes what he is able to talk me into.”

Finney sighed and leaned against the shelf holding the ledgers. The look of disappointment in his eyes seared me. Finney opened his mouth to speak but then quickly closed it as he pondered what he wanted to say to me. What a wonderful discovery to find out your already unstable new mage now also hears other voices in his head. I’m sure it wasn’t a topic he was excited to discuss with Palaemon when he returned. The minutes passed in silence as Finney struggled with his thoughts. Each grueling second only sent my panic attack soaring higher and higher.

“They are still alive, Finney,” Mae said to Finney, “You will have to forgive his silence, little one. He is trying to find the best way to ask you questions without insulting you, and it's probably for the best that he continues to remain silent. I can hear the thoughts rattling off in your head, keep them to yourself, Fin.”

The panic had my heart feeling as if it were about to burst from my chest. The fear was twisting my stomach into painful knots. My fingertips were already bloodied and raw from the frantic picking I was doing to the skin. I wanted nothing more than to go back to how it was when I first walked in the tent. The gentle reminiscing of old stories to new blood. Instead I was standing here a frantic mess praying that the ground would open up and devour me whole.

“I failed you, I’m… I’m sorry. I know why you needed this and…” my words choked in my throat. I bit back the sob and stared down at the floor again. In an instant I was transported back to my bedroom. My father staring down at me, his disappointment hanging so heavy in the air it made it almost impossible to breathe.

Finney finally broke the silence, taking his time to speak slowly and evenly, “Why did you attack them?”

“Ilian. They attacked him and I just...” my voice broke as more shame filled tears fell, “I don’t care if I’m the one being attacked, I can handle it. Gods know I deserve it anyways. But Ilian, he has spent so much time worrying about them only for them to attack him like that.It wasn’t fair, I just snapped.”

Mae approached me and placed a gentle hand on my shoulder. The weight of her gauntlets dug into the fabric of my tunic. Her voice was soft as she spoke, “I can hear the screaming going on in your head, little one. You shouldn’t berate yourself as much as you are. You are what, barely fifteen, and you are just beginning to understand your abilities. Not to mention, you are feeling things for the first time that you haven’t experienced with someone before. Those feelings can drive a person to do things they wouldn’t otherwise think of doing. Love is a powerful thing.”

Blush stained my cheeks, “Love? I don’t…” 

Mae cut me off before I could continue, “Shush. You can’t hide things from me. I can see into the darkest depths of a person's mind and yours is this echoing abyss of self hatred and guilt. But at the center I can see this beautiful blooming forest. It’s painted in golds and vibrant greens, and tending to this forest is Ilian. Your love is growing the life there, because that’s what love does.”

Finney scoffed at Mae’s positivity, “While I appreciate the lovely outlook on life Mae, you are forgetting some valuable lessons here.”

“And what lesson would you prefer to teach him?” Mae asked, a slight tinge of irritation filling her voice, “I’m trying to teach him not to hate himself as much as he is. Do you not see how upset the poor thing is? Or do you just not care.”

“We aren’t living in some fantasy world where love is the answer. Gods know I love Palaemon and cherish the time I have with him. But that doesn’t mean I should be letting my love for him take reign on all my decisions. Love is powerful, you were correct with that. Love can make you a better person, or it can rot you from the inside out. In love’s wicked embrace is jealousy and possessiveness. Those two things are a volatile concoction and can make you do some incredibly stupid things. I’m not saying abandon what you love, but you certainly need to monitor your actions in accordance with it.”

The tension in the room was growing heavy, as was my discomfort with this whole conversation. The feelings I had for Ilian were strong, but was that what love was? I’ve always assumed that love was just a fairytale concept. Something to fill children’s books. In the stories the prince would swoop in and carry their loves off into the sunset, ready to start their perfect and happy lives together.  But this was never what happened. Princesses were sold off like cattle to barter kingdoms and expand their father’s dominions. Their only purpose was to secure a legacy for their families. Princes weren’t upstanding gentlemen, a picture perfect definition of chivalry, ready to fight for their love. They were old conniving cretins who took whatever they wanted from their unwilling brides. And when their brides denied them, they sought their satisfaction from whatever poor individual was closest. In my time at the castle, I don’t recall ever seeing one happy couple. Just miserable people finding happiness in the suffering of others.

“I have work I need to finish and it's getting late. Just go back to your room. I’ll figure out how to fix this mess,” Finney grumbled and waved me off.

I turned to Mae, who gave me a soft smile, “Go, rest. It’s been a long day. I want you to remember that this isn’t your responsibility,” she turned to pin Finney with a glare, “No matter how much some people want to make it seem like it is.”

I wiped the tears from my face and nodded to Mae. She had no reason to show me the kindness she did, but I was extremely grateful for it. Turning away from them, I started for the entrance to the tent. I pushed the rough cotton flap aside and squinted as my eyes tried to adjust to the dull glow of the camp. The sun had fallen well below the trees leaving the only light to come from the lanterns. Nightly procedures in camp had started, some groups worked together to build the large bonfires, others gathered the materials needed to make dinner. Together they worked as one seamless unit. 

Not wanting to get in anyone’s way, I walked along the edge of the camp and made my way back to our barracks. The barrack was watched by only one guard this evening, Topher. He stood with his back to the stone, his arms stretched across his chest. The thick furs of his armor were rolled into creases by the mass of his arms. If I didn’t know any better I’d say that the man was part tree with how large each of his limbs were. The width of both my legs combined weren’t a match for even one of his arms. It was no wonder that he was trusted to guard the barracks. But he wasn’t usually by himself. Roselyn, an equally large female mage, usually accompanied him. Late at night, when everyone else was usually asleep, Ilian and I would sneak out to them and watch them arm wrestle each other. Something we both had sworn to keep from Palaemon and Finney. 

“Evening Topher, where is Roselyn tonight?” I asked as I approached the guard.

Topher gave me a smile and tilted his head in the direction of the barracks, “She is inside. Vern got hurt in training and is in med bay till further notice so we are splitting shifts.”

“Oh, I hope he is okay,” I offered my prayers for Vern’s recovery. Vern was the guard who was usually stationed at the end of the hall. What Vern didn’t have in size he made up for in quick agile movements. Younger and at least two feet smaller than the other barrack guards, Vern was one of the only earth mages in camp. Rumor had it that he begged day and night for a week straight to be moved out of June’s camp and into Palaemons. Why? No one knew. He still had yet to give in to Ilian and I’s pestering demands to know why.

“Ah, he will be fine,” Topher scoffed, “He is a fast little shit, but he isn’t impervious to being sent through his own rock walls. Bet he didn’t see that coming when he conjured the damn thing.”

Topher’s light hearted jests at Vern made me feel much better regarding his current injured state. If Topher wasn’t worried about him, then I shouldn’t be either. Ever since Vern was moved into our camp, Roselyn and Topher protected him like a precious little cub. 

“Will you let us know when he gets out? I’m sure Ilian is going to want to see him,” I asked Topher.

Topher nodded and opened the door to the barracks for me, “Sure will. Speaking of your boy though, you ought to go check on him before he makes Rosie tear out her hair. He has been pacing the halls ever since you left.”

I furrowed my brow in anticipation for what I was about to find. Ilian had a way of working himself up and sometimes it was hard to bring him back down. Heading inside, I quickly made my way to our room. Sure enough, Ilian was in the hall pacing frantically. Roselyn stood exasperated at her post. She gave me a relieved look as I walked past her.

“Thank the gods, you are back,” she sighed with relief, “Your friend is back!” She called after Ilian.

Ilian paused mid stride and looked up at me. When he caught the somber look in my eye he knew immediately that I had failed. Concern broke through his panic and he approached me with haste.

“Are they coming back?” He started to ask. All I could do was shake my head. I couldn’t bear to go into the details with him, not yet. My stomach was still trying to settle after my interaction with Finney. I tried desperately to cling onto Mae’s advice, tried to tell myself that this wasn’t my responsibility. But looking at Ilian, seeing the concern for them plastered on his face. I found it hard to believe that I didn’t have some responsibility to do this for him.

“They are preparing dinner, it should be done sometime soon. Do you want to study a little before we eat?” I asked, hoping he would pick up on my hints that I didn’t want to talk about it right now.

Thankfully he seemed to take that for the gesture it was, “Yeah. Let’s get some work in, Kiri.”