Trigger warning: depiction of a panic attack

Ash tore himself away. “I’m sorry,” he blurted out. The words felt too small, too inadequate, but they were all he had.

Eiji moved instinctively, his hand reaching out, hovering uncertainly in the space between them. “Ash—”

But Ash was already sitting down, his back turned. He couldn’t face him. Couldn’t bear to see the disgust in Eiji’s eyes.

Or worse. Pity.

He just needed a second. A second to breathe, to shove everything back where it belonged. He tried to stay cool, to keep his composure, but when he looked down, his hands betrayed him, trembling like leaves in a storm. Something was off... The world felt tilted, like he’d slipped into a reality that almost mirrored his own but wasn’t quite right. Everything was slightly blurrier. Slightly faster. Slightly heavier. 

Eiji sat down beside him, his voice muffled beneath the high-pitched ringing rising in Ash’s ears. “Please,” he said. “Talk to me.”

Ash tried. He opened his mouth, but no words came out. What the hell? His lungs wouldn’t expand. It was like his body had forgotten how to breathe.

Eiji shifted closer. “What’s wrong?”

Ash wished he knew. The world around him was slowly warping; like a nightmare seeping in between the cracks of this odd reality he found himself in. And then, before Ash could figure out how to breathe, it hit.

The air thickened, crushing him. Too hot. Too dry. He clawed at his jacket, yanking it off, only to realize he was burning from within. His stomach twisted violently.

Falling.

He was falling. Straight through the rooftop, the floor giving way beneath him, his body bracing for an impact that never came. His knuckles turned white as he clutched his jeans, gripping onto something to anchor himself, anything to make the free fall stop—

His heart slammed against his ribs. Too fast, too wrong.

Was this it?

A fucking brain aneurysm?

A heart attack?

He’d been shot. Beaten. Drugged. He had walked away from every single one of those. But this; this invisible, crushing force inside his own body might actually end him.

And Eiji—god, Eiji—was watching. Eiji, who had already endured Ash’s selfishness, his inability to keep his hands to himself, now had to witness this: Ash, trembling and broken, unraveling in front of him like some poor, fragile thing.

Eiji’s voice cut through the chaos. “Hey, nod if you agree, okay? Does anything hurt?”

Ash forced himself to shake his head. This was worse than any pain.

“That’s good,” Eiji said, but the words felt calculated, like he was trying to keep himself together. “Is there something, anything, I can do?”

Don’t. Don’t be kind to me. Ash wanted to say it. To shove Eiji away. But his throat was still locked tight, and all he could do was shake his head, more violently this time.

Eiji didn’t listen. Of course he didn’t. Slowly, carefully, he reached out, touching Ash's shoulder.

“Don’t,” Ash snapped.

Eiji pulled back immediately like he’d been burned. “Okay. It’s okay. It’s okay,” he said, more to himself than to Ash. But it wasn’t okay. Nothing about this was okay. “Just breathe.”

Ash wasn’t sure how long he sat there, nails digging into his scalp as if he was trying to pluck out whatever that had possessed his mind. It could have been minutes. It could have been hours. But death never came for him.

Eventually, his heart slowed. The air around him eased. And when the storm finally started to settle, Ash found himself shivering, despite the heat still crawling under his skin. Without a word, Eiji picked up Ash’s jacket and draped it over his shoulders. And the look in his eyes—kind yet terrified—was the worst part of it all.

Ash wished the floor would open up and swallow him whole. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I don’t know what’s gotten into me.”

Eiji kept a safe distance. Understandably so. “Don't be.”

“No, I’m sorry that I—I did that.”

“...What are you trying to say?”

“When you pushed me away—” Ash dug his nails into the mattress, “—I should’ve noticed earlier. I mean. I, of all people, should know how thatfeels like.”

For a minute, Eiji looked at him with a deadpan stare before lighting up like a match. “Oh, gosh,” Eiji said, burying his face in his palms. He paused for a moment, making Ash tense again. “I didn’t push you away because I didn’t want it. I—” he finally said, his voice muffled, face hidden. “I just ran out of breath.”

Ash blinked.

Eiji dragged his hands down his face before revealing a small, tired smile. “I was catching my breath.” He let out a breathless, self-deprecating chuckle. “I’m a terrible kisser. If you haven’t noticed yet.”

Ash stared at him. That was the reason? Not rejection. Not disgust.

Just… that?

Eiji turned toward him, fully now, eyes searching his face. “I wanted to kiss you,” he said. “I like you.”

What.

Ash’s brain blanked.

Was he dreaming?

Or did that brain aneurysm landed him in heaven?

Eiji hesitated. “Are you feeling okay? Do you need anything?”

Ash barely heard him. His thoughts were stuck, looping over the words. I like you. I like you.

I like you.

“Wait—” Ash’s voice came out louder than he had anticipated. “You like me? You mean, like, like-like me?”

“Are you going to make me say it again?”

No way.

There was no way.

Eiji inhaled deeply, then, in a rushed breath, blurted out, “I am very much attracted to you, Ash Lynx, I like you, very, very much.”

Oh my god.

Ash’s brain scrambled to make sense of any of this. “Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”

Eiji shrugged, his cheeks flushing. “I guess it felt… weirdly inappropriate?”

“Fucking hell, Eiji.” Ash's hand flew to his mouth. “I’m a fucking idiot. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry you had to witness that, so sorr—”

“If you say sorry one more time—” Eiji interrupted him, narrowing his eyes. “—I’m throwing you off this roof.” He tugged at his sleeves like he was actually preparing to do it.

Ash let out a small huff, something almost like a laugh. “You’d have to drag me first.”

“You think I can’t?”

Ash arched a brow, the corner of his mouth quirking up. “You? Never.”

“I definitely could!”

“Most definitely not.”

“I’ll have you know, I am very strong.” Eiji crossed his arms dramatically. “I could easily carry your ass up these eight flights of stairs. Up and down.”

“Eiji, I’ve seen you struggle with grocery bags. Let’s be realistic.”

“Okay, now I actually want to throw you off this roof.”

Ash snorted, the remaining speckles of tension in his chest finally, finally, loosening.

“Ash.” Eiji’s face suddenly tensed. “Next time. Just ask me. I know what I want. Always.” He briefly lowered his gaze before looking back at Ash again. “I feel so shitty when you decide things for me.”

“Sorry.”

Eiji gestured to the floor. “Down the roof.”

“Hey, what am I supposed to say to that?”

Eiji paused, thinking. “What about thank you?”

“Okay.” There was no mockery in Ash’s tone. Just a quiet sincerity. “Thank you, Eiji. Thank you for everything.” His hand found Eiji’s before he even realized what he was doing. Ash froze for a moment, then glanced up, his voice hesitant. “Uh, is this okay?”

Eiji didn’t hesitate. “Yes,” he said softly, his chilly fingers curling around Ash’s palm. “How are you feeling?”

“Better. I’m sorry—” Ash bit the apology back just as Eiji’s eyes flicked up to his. “I hope I didn’t scare you.”

Eiji scooted a little closer, his movements slow and deliberate. His thumb traced a faint circle over Ash’s wrist, making Ash’s heart pound loud in his chest. “You didn't.”

Any sane person would try to make sense of what had just happened. The brain aneurysm? Eiji liking him? Ash wasn’t sure which of the two sounded crazier. But sanity had abandoned him the moment Eiji confessed.

Now, Ash was a man consumed not by logic, but by a hunger so blinding it blurred everything but the person who sat beside him. His warmth. His fingers. The way they fit so perfectly with Ash’s, as if they’d been carved from the same star. Ash couldn’t tear his eyes away.

Eiji shifted slightly, his shoulder resting against Ash’s. “Ash?” he prompted gently, his voice pulling Ash out of his thoughts.

As soon as their eyes met, the hunger surged. Ash’s hand twitched against Eiji’s palm, as if it had a mind of their own. “Can I…” He hesitated, his voice barely above a whisper. His gaze flicked down, then up to Eiji again, searching for permission, for reassurance. “Can I kiss you?”

Eiji blinked, startled, like he hadn’t expected Ash to ask it now. His lips then curved into the tiniest, shyest smile. “Yes.”

Slowly, carefully, Ash leaned in. He gave Eiji time to change his mind, to pull away, but he didn’t. He just watched him, unblinking, his cheeks turning a little pink.

Ash’s nose bumped against his, and Eiji let out a breathy laugh, quiet but warm.

Ash huffed. “What?”

“You’re nervous.” 

“I’m not—”

Eiji leaned in, barely closing the distance, their lips almost brushing. “It’s okay,” he said. “Me too.” 

Something eased in Ash’s chest. A breath he hadn’t realized he was holding slipped out. Ash closed his eyes, and closed the gap.

Eiji was soft. Warm. Just like before, but now Ash really felt him. Eiji sighed into it, tilting his head just so, and Ash swore his heart skipped a beat. The kiss didn’t deepen, didn’t rush. It was sweet and simple and soft, something Ash hadn’t tasted in a long time. Maybe even ever. And when Eiji pulled back, smiling just slightly, Ash couldn’t help but smile too.

“You didn’t have to ask so politely, you know,” Eiji teased, eyes bright.

“I wanted to.”

“Then… can I kiss you now?”

Ash’s throat went dry. “Yeah,” he whispered. “Yeah, you can.”

Eiji leaned in, and their lips collided in a kiss just as soft as the first. Then another. And another.

Ash melted into it, the warmth of Eiji’s mouth, the slow press of their bodies leaning closer. His hand slipped from Eiji’s grip, fingers twitching as they hovered over his wrist. Carefully, Ash let himself move. He trailed up the curve of Eiji’s arm, hesitating at his bicep before tracing the shape of his shoulder hiding behind the stiff coat. Eiji shivered but didn’t pull away. If anything, he pressed closer, exhaling softly against Ash’s lips.

Ash took his time. His touch sneaked behind Eiji’s coat, ghosting down his back, feeling the warmth of him through the fabric of his shirt. It still didn’t feel real.

Eiji sighed, tipping his head slightly to deepen the kiss, and Ash couldn’t help but let out a quiet moan. His hands drifted lower, gliding over the dip of Eiji’s spine, down to his waist, until they stopped by Eiji’s hips, fingertips brushing against the thick waistband of his jeans.

Ash wanted to explore him further, to feel him, but every cell in his body screamed, Eiji doesn’t want this. Not with you.

“Hey, where did you go?” Eiji asked, scanning Ash’s face. “You okay?”

Shit. Ash shook his head, just barely. Focus. “What do you want to—if you want to—do next?”

Eiji clung to Ash's jacket, as if holding on for dear life. “What do I want?” 

“Yeah.” Ash’s heart was pounding in his chest.

Eiji turned away, his cheeks deep red against the moonlight. He sucked in a deep breath, then suddenly blurted out, “I want to taste you.”

God, he was cute.

Ash was more than okay with kissing. Hell, he’d been thinking about it nonstop since the moment Eiji’s lips had touched his. So he leaned in, reaching for Eiji’s mouth, but Eiji turned his head at the last second, his cheeks burning. Ash froze, the familiar fear creeping up his spine.

What if Eiji was forcing himself to do this?

“No, I meant—” Eiji breathed, voice flustered, barely audible. “To. You know.” He then glanced at Ash, then down. Then up again. “Taste you.”

Ash blinked.

Taste you.

Ash’s eyes widened.

Oh.

Oh.

OH.