Eiji shook his head erratically. "It's okay if you don't want to," He blurted it out so fast, Ash barely caught the words, even from inches away. "Because I probably wouldn't be good at it, and I've only done some googling, not the real thing, so it's fine, it's—"

“Eiji.”Ash’s voice cut through the ramble, and Eiji froze, closing his mouth shut.

Ash needed to stop this. Right now. Because why, why the hell would Eiji want this? With someone who was—

"So, it's a no?" Eiji asked, his eyes wide and flustered, searching Ash's face like he was trying to decipher a code.

Ash shook his head. He wanted Eiji more than anything. But there was something so sinister about having those beautiful brown eyes on him. Ash could feel the filth from the depths of his own soul seeping into them. And he hated himself for that.

"Hey. It's completely fine if you don't," Eiji said softly.

Perfect. Ash could practically feel the conversation curdling between them like spoiled milk; all the magic ruined because of Ash's idiocy. Again.

"I just—I wanted to clarify. That's it," Eiji said and shifted in Ash's grip, his hand tracing soothing circles on Ash’s arm, almost pitying.

Ash stiffened. "It's not that I don't want to," he muttered, and the familiar panic suddenly stirred in his guts. God, if the brain aneurysm thing happened again, he'd rather actually die this time. "It's just. I can't." His voice dropped to a whisper, and before he could spiral—before Eiji could witness how pathetic he was—Ash let his forehead fall against Eiji's shoulder, hiding.

Without hesitation, Eiji wrapped his hands around him, gently pulling him closer. And the annoying part was… he was so kind. "It's okay. I'm happy to stay like this." 

Ash squeezed his eyes shut and took a moment to breathe, taking in Eiji's smell. Soft and homely. Slowly, his arms found their way around Eiji, hesitant at first, then tighter, gripping the back of Eiji's coat until there was no space left between them.

The hints of panic began to fade, retreating under the steady thrum of Eiji’s heartbeat. And Eiji just sat there. Quiet. Patient. Like he meant it. Like this was enough for him.

Ash let out a small, defeated chuckle. "I'm a real party pooper, huh?"

Eiji smiled against Ash's hair, his tone playful. “Absolute worst.” He pressed a soft kiss to Ash’s temple, so tender it nearly broke him. “And somehow, I only like you more.”

No. It really broke him. The words escaped Ash's lips without him realizing, tearing away deep from within with a painful shudder: “I don’t deserve you.”

Eiji froze. The air thickened. Charged and brittle. Eiji tightened his grip. “Don’t say that," Eiji snapped, his tone icy.

Ash blinked, startled. Eiji never sounded like that. Not with him. Not with anyone. “But it’s true,” Ash muttered, shame creeping up his spine. “You know it.”

“Are you trying to tell me I don’t see you?”

“I don't…” Ash shrugged helplessly, pressing himself against Eiji. “I don’t know.”

Eiji pulled back just enough to look at him, his dark eyes fierce and brave against the night. "You think that I don’t know what you’ve been through? What you’ve done? You think any of it scares me?” Eiji's voice rose, shaking with emotion, and Ash's eyes widened, startled by the rare bite in his tone. “I see you, Ash. And I'm not leaving."

Ash tried to turn away, to laugh it off, but Eiji's hands found him, cupping his face, holding him firmly. Ash could’ve broken free, of course. Yet he didn’t move. "How can you say that?"

Eiji leaned in until their foreheads nearly touched; until Ash could feel the warmth of his breath against his lips. His gaze darkened, pulling Ash in like a black hole. "Because I love you," Eiji said without hesitation. "All of you. Not just the good parts."

Ash flinched like the confession physically hurt him. He shook his head, desperate to deny it, to push the words away before they could settle in too deep. “Eiji, don’t—”

“No,” Eiji cut in, sharper this time. His fingers pressed into Ash’s jaw, not enough to hurt but enough to make damn sure he listened. “You don’t get to decide what I feel. You don’t get to throw yourself away like you’re nothing. Not to me.”

The air between them pulsed with the weight of everything unsaid; every lie Ash had told himself, every moment he’d convinced himself love like this wasn’t for him. He had never felt so naked. “But I’m not—” His voice broke. “I’m not good enough for you.”

Eiji’s expression softened, but the fire in his eyes didn’t dim. “Who told you that?”

Ash's silence was enough of a response.

Eiji sighed, the tension in his shoulders easing just enough for his hands to slide down, resting on Ash’s chest, feeling his rapid heartbeat. Ash didn't even try to hide it.

“The things you’ve been through… they can make any good man bad,” Eiji said. “But you? You still care. You still love. You still fight for your people." Eiji's hand brushed through Ash's hair, fixing an unruly strand. "You didn’t just survive, Ash. You kept your heart. And if that doesn’t make you good—I don’t know what does.”

Ash’s breath shuddered out of him. He could barely stand the warmth flooding his chest, seeping into the cracks he’d long thought irreparable. “Eiji…" He didn’t even know what he was begging for. For him to stop? To keep going? To leave before Ash shattered completely?

But Eiji didn’t move. “I love you,” he repeated, softer now. “Even the parts you hate. Especially those parts.”

Ash blinked rapidly, chest heaving. “You’re an idiot,” he whispered, voice trembling. “You could do so much better.”

Eiji rolled his eyes. "I guess you're right. I could go find someone else. Someone I deserve."

Before Ash could react, Eiji continued. "Maybe that handsome Brit I met earlier tonight. The roofless hotel manager. What was his name?" He paused, scratching his chin. "Ashington Smith? God, he's so my type.”

Ash snorted. “Ashington Smith?”

“You're gonna be so jealous when we get married. Our wedding is going to be exclusive.”

"Oh, really?"

“Mhm. Only the finest decor. Wet-dog scented candles, wet-dog scented flowers, and—”

Ash laughed, loud and unguarded. “Oh my god.”

“—hear me out. No clean blankets on our first night.”

Ash shook his head, still grinning. Only him. Only Eiji could take something as fucked up as Ash, as his life, and... make it seem easy. Make it feel like the world didn’t have to be a battlefield. Like love didn’t have to hurt.

“Eiji,” Ash said softly.

“Oh, so now you're jealous?”

Ash sighed, the smile lingering on his face. It was easy. Eiji made it easy. “You’re so unserious.”

“Get used to it.”

Ash pulled him closer, stopping just a whisper from his lips. “I’d love to.”

They shared a playful look, but it soon turned into something else. Something serious. Unruly.

Ash wasn't sure which one of them leaned in first. The gap closed, and they kissed. But it wasn’t like their other kisses. This wasn’t testing the waters. This was desperate and certain, the kind of kiss that tasted like promises. Like Eiji was trying to prove a point with every press of his lips.

Ash gasped against his mouth, startled by the intensity, but it only took a heartbeat for hunger to take over. He pulled Eiji in, hands fisting the fabric at his waist, needing him closer like proximity could make him feel whole again.

Eiji made a soft, breathless sound, one that sent heat flooding through Ash’s veins. His fingers threaded into Ash's hair, tugging just enough to make Ash shiver. Eiji wasn’t shy, not anymore. He kissed like he was trying to overwrite every ugly thought Ash had ever had about himself.

And, god, it was working.

They broke apart for air, but neither pulled away. Eiji’s forehead rested against Ash's, breath warm and uneven. His eyes, dark and glassy, searched Ash’s face. "Ash?"

"Yeah?"

Eiji's fingers twitched against Ash's hair. "I hope you—" His cheeks flushed as he cleared his throat, voice pitching slightly. "I mean, I don’t want you to think I'm being pushy, but— I just—I just want to ask in case you've changed your mind." He inhaled sharply, and Ash could feel his own face burning. "Do you want me to go down on you?” 

Ash froze just like he did before. But now there was hope. Maybe Ash deserved this. Deserved him.

"Please don't—" Eiji gulped, "—don't think I only want that. I don't. We can do whatever you want."

For once, Ash didn’t hesitate. He just leaned in, pressing his lips against Eiji’s. When he pulled back, Eiji was staring, wide-eyed and dazed.

"Is that a..?" Eiji asked.

“Yes.” 

Eiji blinked, processing. “Oh. Oh.” He chuckled softly, nervous and giddy all at once. “Okay. Good. That’s— Good.”

Ash couldn’t help but smile. Hopeless. Absolutely, perfectly hopeless. "Come here."

Eiji nodded. Ash gave him a peck on the lips before laying back on the mattress, pulling Eiji down with him.

Hovering above, Eiji looked even more adorable. If that was even possible.

“I’ve never—” Eiji inhaled sharply. “—Never done it before. So I might not—I probably will not be good at this.” His gaze flickered briefly before returning to Ash. "But I want to. I really do. Only with you."

Holy fuck.

Ash breathed sharply, then reached up, his fingers brushing against Eiji’s face. “If it makes you feel any better,” he murmured, his thumb tracing the curve of Eiji’s cheek, lingering there, “I’ve never done it with anyone I even remotely liked as much as I like you.”

Eiji's eyes darkened, fire blazing from its depths. He bit his lip, breath hitching like he was struggling to hold back something untameable.

It wasn’t just a want. It was a need, written in the furrow of his brow, the slight tremble in his fingers, the way his gaze roamed Ash’s face like he was trying to memorize every inch. Like he’d also been starving for this—for Ash, the real Ash—and didn’t know how to pace himself. Neither did Ash.

And it was doing things to him.

Eiji shifted, his knees pressing into the mattress on either side of Ash’s thighs. “Are you sure you want this?” Eiji asked.

Ash found himself smiling. He wasn't used to hearing that. It felt… nice.

“I am,” he breathed, cheeks flushing as his fingers curled around Eiji's hips, holding on like he couldn't help himself.