As an adult, a lot of my strongest emotional responses usually get their strength from previous experiences. If I had an interaction that embarrasses me, its embarrassing not only because of that one interaction but because that feeling reminds me of all the previous times I've been embarrassed in a similar way. It's as if all the times I've thought about being embarrassed (and about how that makes me fundamentally flawed and other fun spiraling thoughts like that) all form a chain of memories. It is a bit like water flowing down a hill or a rock wearing a groove down the path it follows. After years of remembering one experience when I have a new, similar one, I start to remember both those experiences the next time I have the same feeling, growing that chain and deepening that eroded path. After a while, I end up flowing down the same path every time I find myself at the top of that hill.

Anyway, sometimes I miss that pure feeling I remember from my first experiences, even the bad ones. I can vaguely remember times I experienced something as a child and felt scared or awkward or thrilled or angry in response to that experience without a long chain of other memories and old feelings weighing it all down. Reflecting and gaining wisdom and perspective from experience is definitely a good thing, but I think at times it can also be good to try and regain a more innocent perspective.

We all seek patterns and impose those patterns on ourselves as we try to figure out who we are, but not every thought or feeling or experience is proof of a pattern. And sometimes, we limit ourselves with the history we remember. We can miss the true pattern when we just let ourselves follow the same worn down path without taking a moment to look around at where we really are. As a child, looking around is a bit easier, I think. Innocence gives a special kind of perspective that can also be very wise.