I chose not to say anything because he seemed so comfortable with the silence. My entire attention was on him, though I tried not to look at him. I didn’t want to disturb him. I was ready to sit there for days if he needed that.

But then he broke the silence.

“You said you wanted to talk?” he asked, his voice calm.

“Yeah… I mean… If you don’t mind?” I asked carefully.

He shrugged and retreated into himself a little, so I decided to ask about the movie first so I wouldn’t scare him to shut down on me. After exchanging a few words about the movie, I carefully asked how he was doing.

“Just great,” he said and looked away from me, which was a clear hint for me to back off, which I did.

I watched him closely and stayed silent. I saw so many bad things happening in his eyes… So much pain and anger and fear… But he didn’t get scared like he’d been before entering my bar. He turned back to me, letting me see his pain, but he stayed silent.

And then… It was like something little broke in him…

“I’m…” he began, but paused like he was afraid of continuing. But he continued. “…not…” he said, and paused again like speaking caused him physical pain. “…well.”

I could see how hard it was for him to admit something like that… But I guess he understood nothing bad was going to happen, since he added in a whisper, “I’m not doing well at all.”

I asked him if he wanted to talk about it, but he shook his head. I didn’t push it. It must’ve been a huge step for him to admit he wasn’t doing well, so I didn’t want to ruin that moment. I simply told him I was here for him if he ever needed to talk.

And that… that seemed to break his walls a little. He got calmer after that, and he spoke to me quite freely. He apologized for blowing me off a week ago, and we agreed to hit the gym the next day if he was up for it. I was so relieved to see him feeling so much better…

But then it was time to call it a night. I got a little anxious about letting him leave, so I offered to walk him home. I wanted to make sure he was feeling well enough to be left alone, and it seemed like he did. He kept speaking to me freely and even got annoyed by karaoke… I was so glad to see that… He had to be feeling better. He even promised again to meet me at the gym the next day.

And… I wanted to see where he lived in case… Well… Just in case.

After we bid our farewells, and he entered the building, I stayed outside, watching the windows to see which floor he lived on. I had a really bad feeling… If he suddenly stopped coming to the gym or going to work, I’d know where to come looking for him. 

I saw the lights being turned on in an apartment on the second floor. No curtains. I backed away in hopes of seeing Randall walking past the window, but I was not in such luck. It had to be his place, though, so now I knew where to find him if… 

After a while, I had to admit I was being creepy, so I headed back home. I still couldn’t shake the bad feeling, but I hoped Randall was now calm and was going straight to bed.

Once I got home, I made a snack for myself and sat down in front of the TV, but I never turned it on. I was still thinking about Randall, and his fearful eyes. What was going on? What had happened to him? What had brought him to my bar? 

I had so many more questions, but I had the feeling it would take a while before I’d get a single answer. But I was going to try. Randall came to me today, and I wasn’t going to turn my back on him.

I had to keep trying.

I had the nightmare again.

I stumbled forward, and Gilbert jumped out of my way, still screaming at me, still waving the knife. I saw the bright sunshine behind the windows. I could still smell the dusty air in the hallway. I held my side when I collapsed, not yet understanding what was going on. All I knew was the pain spreading in my side.

I lifted my hand and saw red.

“FAGGOT!! DIE ALREADY!!”

I heard several doors opening somewhere below us. I heard voices. I heard footsteps.

They hated me.

They hated me for who I loved.

But at least one of them didn’t want to see me dead…

“So… Who was that guy from last night?”

I nearly jumped when I heard the familiar voice next to me. I turned to glance at my bartender, Gina, who’d scared me out of my memories. I turned my attention back to the inventory list in my hand.

“Someone who’s going through a rough time,” I said quietly.

“You’ve never mentioned him,” Gina continued, curious as ever.

“I… He’s not been around for long. But please, if he ever comes here, just… give him a beer on the house and let him be alone. He’s… He needs it.”

“Of course,” she promised. “He doesn’t look too good, that’s why I asked…”

“Yeah,” I mumbled. “Let the others know, too. He’s a special guest now. Give him space. I’m not sure what’s going on, but I feel like he could use a safe place to stay.”

“Don’t we all?” she said, grabbing a box from the shelf.

I let out an unamused chuckle. Yeah, we all often needed a safe place, which was why it wasn’t actually funny. Just… Sad. This city was better, though, but that really didn’t mean the bad things weren’t happening around here as well.

Randall was a good example of that.

I still couldn’t stop thinking about him. I still couldn’t stop trying to guess why he’d been standing outside my bar, crying. I hoped he was doing better now, that he knew he could come back anytime he wanted, and he’d be safe here.

The wait until five o’clock was tormenting. I couldn’t focus on work, and after pouring the third wrong drink for customers, Gina ushered me away from the counter. I was back being stuck doing inventory, and I was doing a lousy job with it as well. I had to count the same boxes three times before I got the right number.

I was just so nervous. I feared Randall wouldn’t show up today. I feared he would never show up again. I couldn’t shake that feeling. Why was I so sure he’d… that he’d do something he would never be able to take back? Why did I have this feeling his entire life was hanging in the balance?

I could only hope he’d show up today…

I stopped to take a break and went to get my sandwiches from the fridge in the backroom. I sat down on the couch and absentmindedly started eating, staring at the wall in front of me, already back in my memories.

Years ago, my life had been hanging in the balance. First, I’d fought for my life at the hospital with a stab wound between my ribs. But even after the wound was fully healed, the battle to stay alive didn’t stop.

I’d been too scared to leave my apartment in months, not without someone accompanying me. I went for days without sleeping because I was too scared to close my eyes – until I was prescribed heavy medication. I’d lost half of my weight because I was too anxious to eat.

I’d seen a lot of myself in Randall’s fearful eyes.

I moved three times, but the fear still lingered until I landed here, in this city, and met my current psychologist, another gay man with an abusive past who knew exactly how to help me. I honestly wouldn’t be there, sitting in the backroom of my very own bar without his aid. Hell, sometimes I wondered if I’d be alive at all without him.

I’d been so tired of living in constant fear. So tired of the evil in this world.

So tired of being hated for who I loved.

Not anymore. Apart from the nightmares and my mildly compulsive need to check my surroundings before opening any kind of door, I was in quite a good balance with myself. I was enjoying my life again. I was happy to be alive.

I just… really hoped Randall would show up today. I wanted to help him, no matter what he was going through. He hadn’t asked for it, but the way he told me he wasn’t doing well, forcing every single word out of his mouth… It had sounded a lot like he was asking for my help.

Finally, it was four o’clock, and I left from work. I hurried home to get ready for the gym, even though I still had almost an hour to spare. I just wanted to be there when he’d arrive. If he’d arrive…

I ended up being almost thirty minutes too early, but there was a bench under the trees close by, so I went to sit down and started my long wait, staring at the front door of the gym.