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A journey For Revenge...Probably?

A start of A flashback

A start of A flashback

Mar 05, 2020

In the year 1030 after the great separation of continents, a young man called Gabrel started his journey to reach his goal, he was waiting at a seaport in one of the 4 elemental continents, the water continent.

Gabrel waited for his companion to tell him the ship being ready or not, the young man was looking at the sky on the warm days of summer, counting clouds while recalling the past

5 years ago when he lost his home, his family, and everything he ever cared about, and while he was staring, his companion came and started to call his name.

“Rel.”

But he wasn’t listening, lost in the sea of thoughts.

“Hey, Rel.”

Gabrel’s companion’s face started to turn red, her eyebrows went down and her teeth were clinching because of his attitude.

“HEY, REL, CAN YOU FOCUS ALREADY?”

“W-what?”

“The ship is ready to leave now, it’s the time to move and you’re staring at the sky, wasting our time.”

“Oh, sorry, I just was thinking about something.”

“You can think later, okay? We have a mission to accomplish.”

“Sure.”

Gabrel went with her to the ship but didn’t stop thinking about the past, in the time of cold in the year 1025, when he was still ten years old, his head started to reimagine everything 5 years ago, during the dark night.

In the southeast of the water continent, there was a small village near the shore in the middle of cold weather and white snow, all of the residents of this village were living a simple life.

It wasn’t a rich village, but there weren’t any shortages of necessities, this village was full of peace, happiness, and of course, music, though, it couldn’t maintain peace for long.

Gabrel was waiting for his father to come home from work, he’s used to not seeing his father before bedtime, after all, Gabrel’s father is the chief of the village.

It’s the chief’s responsibility to process all the village’s matters, he’s doing his job honesty, that’s why he can’t spend time with his family often.

Gabrel wanted to show him a surprise and see him before sleeping, he was practicing on his piano, in an attempt to learn his father’s favorite song, it’s normal for kids to show their parents what they can do.

“cra~ck.”

A sound of an opening door was heard, Gabrel’s green eyes were sparkling because he already knows who came, it was his father.

Gabrel’s father, Elmos, who wasn’t expecting more than a routine day, started to hear fast footsteps on the wooden floor getting closer, only for his mouth to turn wide open from what he saw.

Elmos saw a small kid with long silver hair, a delightful smile, and unblinking excited eyes came out from behind the edge of the wall with a top speed.

“Papa~.”

Gabrel jumped to his old man who is actually young, don’t ask me about this antibiosis, a father is his son’s old man no matter how young is he.

Gabrel’s shortness couldn’t help him to reach higher than Elmos’s belly, though, Elmos helped by grabbing and holding him near his face.

“Hey little Rel, I missed you.” Said Elmos while looking at his son’s smiling eyes.

“I missed you too, papa.”

Elmos couldn’t help but giggle from his son’s lovely voice, he got his son standing on the floor and asked him.

“Why are you still awake? You missed your bedtime already.”

“I learned how to play your favorite song on piano so I wanted to show you today before sleeping.”

“Welcome home, dear.”

A beautiful voice came out of the kitchen, it was Gabrel’s mother, a youthful woman with long emerald hair.

“I’m home, honey.”

“Dinner will be ready soon.”

"Sniff Sniff, I can already tell how delicious it will be, however, why didn’t you tell him that I will come back early tomorrow? He could just sleep and wait until then.”

“No, I wanna show you now papa, now.”

“See dear? He was like that all day, I tried to convince him but he won’t listen.”

Elmos received this line with a long calm hmmm, he then nodded and moved his gaze to Rel with an attempt to make an angry serious daddy looking face.

“I will forgive you this time Rel, but you have to listen to your mother afterward, okay?”

Elmos tried to scold Gabrel, and maybe he succeeded, you can even notice Gabrel struggling and trying to shift his face to prevent his laugh from leaking, Elmos noticed and got angry, because of that, he did what was unexpected, and attacked Gabrel.

“Come here you little brat!”

He then swooped on Gabrel with rains of merciless tickles.

“N-noo “giggles” papa, s-stop please “giggles”.”

Gabrel couldn’t endure, he fell and started to beg for his life, while Hala was organizing the plates of food on the table.

“Then let me hear the magic words.”

“S-sorry “giggles”.”

With his merciful heart, Elmos forgave his son’s sins, Elmos’s wife, Hala, couldn’t do anything but draw a happy smile, Gabrel finally stopped laughing and looked at his father, Elmos looked back and said.

“You said you wanna show me something, Rel.”

“Yes, I wanna show you how I can play your favorite song.”

Elmos sat and said.

“Then show me what you got.”

Gabrel nodded, he summoned his blue piano, left his two hands, and before his fingers touching the buttons “Knock Knock” a sound came behind the door was heard.

“Who’s visiting at this hour?” Said Elmos with slanted eyebrows and a twisted mouth.

There was a soldier in front of the door, gasping while trying to talk, he must’ve come here in a rush.

The soldier wore full body armor, though, his face was clear as the sun of the morning, it appears that he’s still young, early 20′s maybe.

There wasn’t any special feature on his face, but the shadow of fear is obvious behind him, Elmos turned his face from annoyance to seriousness.

“What is it, soldier.”

The soldier took a deep breath and unleashed what was trapped in his mouth.

“We saw a naval fleet approaching our borders, sir, we think this is something worth your consideration.”

“What’s the direction they’re coming from?”

“They’re coming from the northwest, sir, and heading to our direction.”

“Got it, you go now, I will follow you.”

“Yes, sir.”

The soldier left running as fast as he can, Elmos approached Hala and whispered.

“They may be enemies, if the worse came to worst, I will send a warning message to you, run with Rel to the water main village through the tunnel after receiving my message.”

He then looked at Gabrel with a calm smile to make him feel everything is ok.

“Sorry Rel, I think you have to wait a little longer.”

“O-ok, but come back home quickly, I want to show you what I can do, papa.” Said Gabrel with a worried face, Elmos kneeled to his son and said.

“Don’t worry, Rel, I have faith in your potential, and I will come back as fast as I can to see it.”

Elmos went up and threw his words towards Hala.

“Don’t worry, honey.”

“Be careful.”

Said Hala with sharp eyes, the corners of her mouth went down.

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NOBA
NOBA-3A

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Comments (2)

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linaket
linaket

Top comment

Hi! Thank you for inviting me to view your work and offer a critique. First off, it seems to me like you're a new writer, and it is really nice to see someone taking the chance to start learning. Writing is an art and a craft, and it does require practice and patience.

My first critique would be the first paragraph. It is just one long run-on sentence. You should really break it up, because there is a lot happening there. When you break up your sentences and vary the length, you can put stress on what you want the reader to pay attention to the most. Also, I don't really think the geography needs to be the important thing to focus on in an opening. I prefer openings that focus on the character first, then you can work in the details about the world later.

Beyond that, you have mostly run on sentences here which is hard to read. You also forget to add periods at the end of dialogue (before closing the quotation marks.)

At one point here, you also start using "I" and "you." This is first and second person point of view, whereas the rest of your story is written in third. Picking a POV and sticking with it is one of the more difficult things a new writer has to do, and some find it easiest to stat with first person, which would be using the "I" point of view, but with the "I" being the main character of your piece.

I think my best advice for you right now is to re-read some of your favorite books, but read them like a writer. Think about why you like them and what the author does to draw you in. Pay attention to how they structure their sentences and how the story is being told and try to mimic that in your own work.

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In a world full of people blessed with the power to control nature's elements, an unpredicted attack annihilated a small village to break the time of peace, killing all of its residences without a trace for any survivors, during the battle though, a 10 years old kid called Gabrel manages to run away from his village, with total ignorance of his village's inevitable fate he runs away, only to fulfill his parent's wish for their beloved child to escape death, but that wasn't his wish, after 5 years of hatred, wrath, and training, he starts his journey to discover the identity of whoever was responsible.
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A start of A flashback

A start of A flashback

222 views 7 likes 2 comments


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