My name is Harold G. Gnome, i am 16 and this is my first day of school. my favourite colour is convenient store green and my favourite food is convenient store granola bars. 

I have a cat named Trenchfoot - who once gave me three of the rarest types of rabies - and he is giving me the look of disappointment while i comb my long, golden-ey, doo-doo colour neckbeard 

This ugly ass kid outside my window in a eye-bleaching red shirt keeps staring at me with his stupid eyes! Not only did I moon him but presented him with the entire solar system pressed onto the glass.

My ass cheeks and more slapped the pane and i heard the child's sudden scream of a thousand sirens continue throughout while i started feeling the glass fog up from my steamy, clammy rear-end. I then hear the door creak followed by a familliar voice;

"GOD ALL-FUCKING-MIGHTY, HARRY!"

I look up and felt my blood circulation pause when i see my oldest sibling, Mug, fresh out of jail, behind the open door with a look that radiated the sheer disgust, distress and disappointment.

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(This is the prologue on a story in working on thatll soon be on tapas nd wattpad, then i input it to inferkit.com and thats where it goes wrong- well, wronger...)

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"YOU'RE TRYING TO DO IT AGAIN, HARRY!"

HARRY nods and then compresses the softest fart i have ever heard, heard from a snake, farted from the mouth of a red dragon and heard from the ass of a kitty cat. the shit is so flat i can practically feel it gliding up my bib and into my throat. i can hear it resounding back as a meek whisper of "tssssh."

Mug recoils and backs out as i nearly choke on the bubbly, syrupy aroma that is my own turd-breath. i start giggling in hopes to lessen the spasming of my throat, but no. i still can't get the taste of bile out of my mouth as i continue to laugh.

Mug decides to stop talking as i see a turd-like droplet of sweat form on the backs of my eyeballs. MUG's face is the first thing to turn green as the titanic poop cloud drenches the yard.

"GET TO YOUR ROOM!" he yells out and starts pounding me.

i turn to the door to see the dirtiest, grimiest face ever mustered, and that is how i found myself taking a shit, dressed only in boxers.

"Not only am i your brother," said Mug, "but i am your father, too. sorry to be such a prick."

"hahaha," i say as i shake my head and look down at the glowing poop-eluding spot.

"It's okay."

"What?"

"It's okay. Your worth is in your child-birth."

I love when my Dad gets really creepy on me.

The piece of shit thing had the nerve to slam the door in my face when i took off my pants, I'm not proud of that, but it was just too awesome to look at the world through pants for one more second.

Cuff em', kill em', bury em', plant it in their mouth, mate.

Thoroughly disgusted, Mug then shoves me onto my bed. "Oh you filthy shit-breath, your life is over. Now get to your room and be quiet."

I have to admit, my life was saved that day, at least for now, it was lucky I wasn't wearing anything nice to the dinner table.

The food was so ungodly delicious it could only be described as a moist seething chocolate anus. If the food wasn't awesome, it would be gross. If the food wasn't awesome, it would be just another life or death situation on Survivor.

Just before the plates are pushed away and the teeth clatter, my Dad goes to my room and tells me to clean it up.

"You'll get the stool," i say, trying to sound strong and manly.

"Yeah, so do you have any idea what you have done?"

I notice the glint in his eye.

"No, what?"

"You have absolutely disgraced this family."

"My life is over," I spit.

"You are no longer the Harry we knew, but a disgusting, vile creature."

He pauses for a moment. "You are a dirt-breath who sucks his own ass. There will be no bowl or toilet for you to shit in, or any hope for your head to spin around."

I'm about to retort when my Mom comes over and we leave.

The food had gotten so awesome that i didn't even care about the shit thing anymore. Just as i was about to inhale my second piece of eel-burgers, I felt something that wasn't supposed to be moving down my throat.

"OOOWWW!"

Before i could finish my sentence, there was nothing left in my throat but the big sucking hole and my Dad's angry face.

i can't really describe the sudden speed and the way my stomach had just twisted. What i can say, though, is that by the time i got to the toilet, it was full.

It's in the movie Twilight. Like every piece of shit, a vampire, or at least that's what they call them, rises up and grabs Bella and Alice before she can disappear into the depths of her bowels.

There were hundreds of little shrieking, drooling black things coming from her mouth and sticking out of her mouth like a toothpick up her ass.

Everyone, even Edward, is grossed out.

"Bella!" the vampire yells in horror as he tries to pull her out. "Bella, you gotta shit. You gotta shit right now!"

It was sort of ironic. Like when Edward said he'd try to be a better vampire than the other ones. Edward, the preppy, unctuous vampire, who was the first to ever be considered a human "fang banger" (like a Jehovah's Witness, the more you fuck the less you are a true vampire).

He wanted to be a better vampire because he'd never had a chance to fuck up, after all, he was the fucking Alpha of all vampires, everyone bow down.

Plus he was really sweet and cute.

I have to admit, I sort of liked the vampire Edward, too.

I even considered calling Edward, "Eddie," as an homage to the popular, cute, blond TV character.

Then, as I was watching the movie, there was another seizure, this one by his wife, Esme, the strange old hag.

Esme screamed in agony as her bowels were violently ejected, splashing the couch.

Edward tried to pull her out of the hole, and was unable to, apparently, as he was also pushing so hard he tore out her stomach.

And now Edward was fighting in earnest, trying to pull her out of the muck and meet his murderous gaze.

Then, Esme shuddered one last time, and a single black shit splashed onto the white carpet.

She was dead, and her husband was crying in horror and sorrow.

ANYWAYS, back to the thing about me, Harold G Gnome shitting, although it's more like Harold loosing control of his bowels than Harold shitting.

I was in a rush and didn't even look in the bathroom before going to meet Mom at a big restaurant, but now it's time to pay the piper.

I'm standing there, just getting ready to clench my face together, when I realize the entire toilet is filled.

I quickly walk into the bathroom.

It's completely surrounded by a wall of crap. Even if I could clench my face together enough to hold it, I wouldn't be able to breathe, let alone eat anything, because the sight of all this crap would be enough to suffocate me.

I turn around to leave, when I notice a slight movement on the other side of the poop wall.

I can't see anyone. It's just the shadow of something moving around. I guess it's like a kid playing hide and seek.

I guess i'll just be going back to my seat.

I sit down, and as I do, I find myself practically face to face with a black beast with a long, slimy tongue coming out of its mouth. It's so huge, it takes up most of the area of the toilet.

And, as I'm seated, its massive, slick, red ass is blocking the only exit.

But then, it opens its huge jaws, and i notice that it has claws, and I realize that it's a real, live, mythical creature.

It's Kulu, the poisonous water snake!

I decide that i can't take it sitting down on me, so i climb back up onto the toilet, and continue to shiver in fear.

I squat over the seat, ready to climb off.

All of a sudden, the water snake's tail shoots out from the top of the toilet seat, into my crotch, and wraps around my penis.

It's so hot, and moist.

But the snake doesn't want me to move, so it globs its tongue all over my penis, and starts licking me.

I'm completely turned on, as the snake starts to rub up and down my crotch, so I just sit there.

It's like a big, black walrus, going to town on a white guy's privates.

I just sit there, trapped, waiting for it to finish.

It finally slithers away, after what feels like an eternity.

I get off of the toilet, and grab some paper towels and clean myself off.

As i wipe, I notice that the diarrhea smell in the air has disappeared.

And, just as i begin to bend over to wash my hands, I hear something splashing.

The light above the sink is a little too high up for me to see the toilet, but i can make out a very faint splash of something hitting the floor.

The sink doesn't have any soap or water in it, so I just wash my hands as best i can.

I go back to the table, and find Mom missing from the table.

I walk over to the booth and pick up the Daily Student, and when i open it up, i see a date from Monday, February 27, 1984, and a post - it note from a teacher who teaches my biology class.

"Dad had another seizure today, but is better now.

Hope you and Mom are having a good time.

Love, Brian. "THAT 'S HOW LONG IT TAUGHT THOSE MORONS THAT I' M A 14 - YEAR - OLD BOY"