It all started with a text message.

Unknown number: Is this Allison?

“What the fuck?” I mumble as I stare at the text message on my phone. The sea is a good place to think about the future. I’m sitting in my car on the side of the pacific coast highway, drinking some mango ale and popping pain pills. Numbing my mind, trying to forget the past, trying not to look too far into the future because it scares me.

Unknown number: I found your number in Arturo’s phone; he messaged you a lot.

Me: Ok? Who is this?

Unknown number: You can call me Texas, I served with him, I just thought you would want to know he passed away a few years ago. Just now found his phone. This is Ali, right?

The last time I spoke to Arturo he was deployed to a base in Alaska, maybe six years ago? He mentioned all the places he would be going after but that memory had long since faded. My heart sinks to the pit of my stomach. Some part of me knew for a long time that something had happened to him. That he was dead. He was my best friend and suddenly one day, without a single word or trace, he vanished. He was in the military so I assumed.

Me: I don’t know how to say this but... I transitioned years ago. 

Me: I go by Allen now... so yes, but also no.

The three dots are on the corner of the screen for an excruciating amount of time before a response comes through.

Texas: I don’t know what to say.

Figures.

Me: Thank you for letting me know, though. 

Me: I always wondered what happened and I think about him all the time.

There was no other response.

I let out a heavy sigh mixed with a groan as I tossed my phone. I was already tired of people and tired of everything in general, this just pissed me off even more. I knew I needed a change in my life, but I didn’t know what needed to change. I didn’t know how to make a change. I was lonely even though I was far from being alone. By all means, I had tons of friends. Maybe I had too many friends. What was that saying? Something about quality over quantity. I rubbed my face as I looked out my window out past towards the ocean along the horizon. A warm and fuzzy sensation began to fill my chest. The feeling I had been waiting to take hold finally pulling through. I cracked my sunroof open and let the sounds of the waves lull me to sleep.

The next time my eyes opened, it was night. Darkness is blanketing the earth. The waves crashing in harsher breaks upon the shore. The world was more silent to the point that it was unnerving, so I cranked on the radio to blast some tunes. I took a second to check my phone. There was still no reply. “Fucking asshole.” I grumbled as I took off, cruising along the freeway to make my way home. Maybe stop at a local liquor store to grab a hotdog before bed. I was well into the first night off of my three-day break from work. Everything in me already didn’t want to go back to the job I supposedly loved. It was my dream job, until I started working it. Veterinary medicine was brutal, but I had dreamed of it since I was a child. What a fucking idiot I was. My mental health was a wreck, and nobody seemed to notice. I guess I was good at hiding it.