"That was FUN," I lie. I'm sitting in the back seat of a very expensive car. It's warm and has leather seats and smells like leather, perfume, and some other stuff. But I can't enjoy any of that right now because I want to throw up. I want to forget this experience so badly. I want to kill the snake that's disguised as a man in fron of me. I wonder if he sees it in my eyes. I smile. Hopefully he doesn't look too deep into my eyes, but I know he won't. But I guess he already knows how much I want to scrape his skin off with sandpaper. And to top it all off I'm so hungry. My head hurts and my stomach feels like it has a black hole in it. But that's a familiar feeling, I'm always hungry. 

"It's really refreshing to be with someone so young and fresh," He hisses. I can't hold back a wince as he runs his fingers through my hair. 

"Do you prefer it that way?" 

"Honestly it doesn't matter as long as they know how to do it properly." I shudder. I hate being talked about like this. But I have to do it. 

"It just surprises me a bit," he continues. "How old did you say you were again?" 

"Fourteen, sir." I swear to God above that I will murder this person one day. "Anyways, where's my money? I'm not doing this just so I can walk away as broke as I was before." 

"Let's see how much you deserve. You are a bit of a delinquent. So you probably..." he takes his time getting his wallet, probably just to torture me for longer. "One, two, two dollars and ten, two dollars and twenty, two dollars and thirty, two dollars and fourty, two dollars and fifty cents." He hands it over to me. What? That can't be it. That's barely anything. It's not going to buy my baby sister a meal. 

"Please sir." I don't know what to say that won't offend him, because doing that would only make my situation worse. 

"Well maybe I can double it you give me double the services." Kill me. No I'm not the one who deserved it. Kill him. And give my sister food. And give me food. And make the world different. And make my sister happy. Harmony is so freaking young and so sweet and perfect and she deserves every happiness in the world. If only I can make enough money in time. But what if I can't? How will I explain it? Was Santa just extra busy this year and didn't have time? No but why would he be? He never normally is, she'll see through that. She'll think Santa disapproves of her now like the rest of the world does. She'll think on of her her idols thinks less of her. She'll think she actually is less. She'll think she's less important. She'll give up. She'll lose hope. She'll let people go around treating her like dirt. And she won't rebel against that in her head. She won't hold onto her pride and her sense of self-respect. I can't have that happen, I just can't. She needs to keep believing, keep dreaming, keep fighting. 

"HEY!" I'm transported back into the world with that harsh yell. "Girl! Are you even listening to me?" 

"Sorry sir." I'm so hungry. 

"What do you say to my proposition?" 

"Sure." I get up onto his lap. "But this time give me the money first okay?" He hands it over to me. I count it. Two and a half dollars. Making five dollars in total. The most I've gotten all month. I start unbuttoning my worn-out, ripped shirt. God help me. 

——— 

After we were done I was crying. He looked at the tears drowning my eyes and said it suited me well. I got out of the car an into the fresh air and freedom and biting cold. That's where I am now, with the snow smothering my body like an anti-blanket. I hug my knees to my chest and cry. He was so selfish, so apathetic, so horrible. I'm a person goddamnit. And I deserve to be treated like one. He's not better than me. He's just a selfish, stingy, greedy, infidel who just sees everyone as tools for him to use. My hatred at - at his attitudes, not him - is keeping me warm in this cold though, washing the filth from my skin, giving me a bit of my peace back. And that's because I know who I am. I know what I deserve, And those thoughts can push back the thoughts given to me by him about what I deserve, and reconquer my mind. And I need to make sure Harmony always has the strength to do that too. 

What if I tell her Santa gave her a less cool gift because he helped us get food and stuff instead? But if she knows Santa can do that, bring things other than toys, then won't she want Santa to give us enough stuff to actually be safe? Why would Santa give us less than we need? Why would he so abandon us? Thinking that would break her more. The "only can give toys" rule needs to stay. No I needed to make the money. So far I only have fifteen dollars saved. I'll need more. 

———

I walk into the shack we live in and am greeted by a warm hug from my baby sister. 

"How are you Msitu?!" The eight-yer-old excitedly asks. 

"Not the best baby girl. But I'm so much better now that I see you. How are you?" 

"Work was hard. I was hungry. I when I was walking home I saw Alika from school last year and she had a big chocolate bar. And I asked her if I could have some. And she looked at me scardly. And she said no. And I told her, 'don't worry, it's me Harmony, I used to be in your class we used to be friends.' And she still looked at me the same way. And she said no, it was her's. And I told her that I was really hungry and my tummy was hurting from how hungry I was. And she said that wasn't her problem, I should learn to work harder if I wanted more food. And it made me really really sad." She looked at me sadly, almost brokenly. I was so angry. I wanted to watch the world burn. I wanted to burn it to the ground and have it just be people like us - people who are impoverished and hungry and desperate - left. So that we could make it better, and make it a world worth living in. Actually no I don't want that. I want people to listen to our cries instead of labelling us as dangerous. 

"Baby she just said that because she doesn't know any better. She's not right. You're a beautiful and amazing little girl and of course you deserve food. You deserve to be fed and warm and you deserve a proper home. You deserve a family and an education and you deserve to feel safe and protected and valued and free and you deserve everything that anyone else deserves. She just said that because she didn't know any better. She just said that because her mom told her to think that way. And her mom only told her because she wants to think she's better than everyone and not care. She's wrong." 

"Okay. I think you're right. I know who I am. But it hurts, it freaking hurts." 

"I know baby girl." I hug her close. 

"I really like it when you're here. I really like it when anyone's here who I can feel myself around." 

"Harmony you're really everything. You're happiness and you're necessity and you make me so overwhelmingly happy in every part of me in a way that I just want to proclaim to the world." 

"Thanks Msitu.. You're everything too. You keep me safe and make me feel free and you make me feel like I'm important and you make me feel like I'm needed. And you're the most perfectest person." 

"Darling everyone who says you aren't a beautiful soul are only saying it because they don't know anything besides how to be shallow." 

"I don't think we can teach them. Do you?" 

"I don't think so too. But maybe one day that will change." 

"Msitu you're sad. Why?" 

"Because I had to do some things with someone who was really mean."

"That's horrible. Why did you have to?" 

"Oh the same reason as a lot of things. Money." 

"Msitu that sucks. Don't feel like you have to hurt yourself for me okay?" 

"Baby I don't feel that way. But I'd have nothing without you. I don't ever want to lose you okay?" 

"I miss mom and dad." 

"Me too. But I'm sure they're watching over us." 

"Well why can't they help us?" 

"Because there are dark forces all around and they make it harder." 

"I know I've felt them. The air smells kind of weird and you can't see stars anymore and the water is all dirty and plants don't grow that much." 

"Exactly." 

"And the people. They look like they're stuck behind some kind of glass." 

"Yeah. But there's hope. There's us. And there's your friends from work. And there's the knowledge that we have." 

"Yeah. And it's Christmas soon. And Santa's going to be coming around."

"Yeah." I sigh. 

"Are you scared?"

"No." 

"If we had a magic wand how would that be?"

"Amazing." We kept talking until it was time to sleep. I cooked a little bit of rice, and we had some beans to go with it. I was still hungry after the food. Harmony wasn't though. And we kept talking. She believes in magic so strongly. If that keeps her going, that's good.