My sister woke me up the next morning by shaking my shoulder. I tried to shove her away, missed, lost my balance, and nearly fell out of the kitchen chair, which didn’t help with the pounding headache that squeezed the top of my spine in a crushing grip.

“Hey,” she said, sliding me a glass of water. “Here.”

I drank the water without complaint.

“I’m leaving,” she told me. “Next time try not to pass out at the kitchen table.”

“Yeah okay.” I had no fight left in me, only a heavy grief that made it difficult to care about anything.

“Drink lots of water.”

“Okay.”

She gave me an odd look, then sighed and left. I pushed myself out of my chair, shuffled to my bedroom, and collapsed on my bed, wishing I never had to leave it.

***

I was supposed to work Saturday, but I could barely find the motivation to get out of bed, so I mostly sat around and played app games and felt sorry for myself. Even porn depressed me, which was a sign that I needed to call Josh and beg for help. But instead I just stared at his contact information in my phone, willing myself to call and finding myself incapable. What would he say? I told you so. Maybe not in so many words. But he was used to my failure by now. He had all the lines memorized.

Maybe Josh had the ability to read minds, because when I dropped my phone on the nightstand, it vibrated with a text from him.

Wanna play board games with my lame family tonight?

No, I responded. I need you to come over and yell at me right now.

Josh replied, Yeah ok lol

I dropped the phone and burrowed deeper into my sheets. I’d have to get out once Josh arrived, because he needed me to buzz him in the building, but for now, I needed my cave of misery a little longer.